First and foremost, I owe you my deepest gratitude alongside apologies. You are a body constantly working to function and ensure that my two feet stand firmly on the ground below me. Because of your resilience, my heart is still beating at a normal pace rather than the slowest it ever could. We all know why my heart would beat super slow, but you fight for me when I lose the will to fight for myself. My lungs still breathe and function even though I’ve painted them with ash and tar for the last ten years. And what I am most thankful for is the way you keep me from passing out even after barely eating a morsel for the day. You have my back in spite of my hatred for you. And body, that is something I never take lightly.
I let my eating disorder get in the way of our friendship.
And for that I don’t deserve your dedication. I beat the shit out of you and take your unconditional love for granted. I’m constantly pinching you by the belly button in shame rather than awe of the body that you are. After I’m done with the pinching, I drown you in coffee hoping to shut you up when you’re hungry. If I end up running to the bathroom five times every three hours after the java, then I feel fantastic. All of that is at the expense of your wellbeing. Then the night time comes and you become fueled by Skittles, potato chips, and absolute shame. None of this is fair to you, but unfortunately eating disorders are the strongest of all choking forces.
I should never keep you in the dark.
I desire to cover you in garments and hide you from the world over my own misperceptions of who you are. Even though I believe in freeing the nipple, I am just too shy of my own perceived breasts, dear body. Of course, man boobs are in the eye of the beholder. Indeed mine stay covered in hiding only visible to my own eye. All the while I’m hiding every inch of you and at the same time wishing for your sweet liberation. As of now, it seems like a far-fetched fantasy but I’ll keep pulling for us both, body.
A hardworking machine like yourself deserves to be paraded around to the world as a symbol of perfection. In fact, you are more than perfection but a piece of God, yet I still cannot treat you that way. You are owed nothing but all the love in the world, and I am a fool for continuously not giving you that. I wish I could shower you with flowers, roses, and vegan chocolates to show my appreciation. Instead, you’ll have to settle for binging and whatever form of compensation to come right after.
All things aside, you are all I have and I do not take that lightly. So, thank you for everything once again. Deep down, I truly do want to love you and I’m sure that someday I will one-hundred percent. I pray for the day I can cut off the fingers of my eating disorder’s hands that choke me oh so tightly. Meanwhile, I beg of you with all my heart and soul to not take me personally through all of this abuse I put you through. Every day is a lesson to learn in being your number one, but meanwhile, I thank you for being my number one.
All my love,
Originally published at reflectionsofasavage.com on September 9, 2018.